'Can of Worms' by Doug Naylor

As Starbug returns from investigating an abandoned Medistation, Kryten checks the ‘personality-tuck’ machine he has just salvaged. Rimmer is all for having his own personality recalibrated, but when he learns that it involves a laser in his brain, he scarpers. When a red alert sounds out, Rimmer, Kryten and Cat find Lister asleep at the controls, his day-long post-dinner nap taking them widely off course. The gang consider taking a short cut back to Red Dwarf via the Juno 98 asteroid belt, but when Cat hears that it is inhabited by a tribe of vampire gelfs who feast on the blood of virgins, he becomes strangely anxious; Lister and Rimmer enjoy his discomfort, but when they realise they have just opened a proverbial can of worms, Lister agrees to take the long way home. En route the lads detect a prison transport ship on a death dive into a supermassive black hole; learning that a Mercanoid and his prisoner are aboard, Lister decides to mount a rescue mission. With Rimmer on point in Starbug, Lister, Cat and Kryten take up bazookoids and board the vessel, but the Mercanoid refuses to release its prisoner, and opens fire; luckily Lister manages to electrocute it with Rimmer’s Dictaphone, enabling them to find the holding cell – and the lady Cat inside. Cat is overjoyed, and he escorts his new lady friend, Ankita, back to Red Dwarf, where they plan a date... Kryten decodes the transport ship’s black box and discovers that Ankita is really a polymorph, a species that implants its eggs in its victims’ bodies. Lister, Rimmer and Kryten race to stop the Cat from doing anything stupid, but it’s too late – Cat has already slept with Ankita, and is blissfully unaware that sex involving a big pipe-thing that stuffs tadpole things down his throat is not the standard way of doing things. After finding the dead remains of the polymorph, which expired after fulfilling its purpose, the gang take Cat to the medibay for an ultrasound scan; they discover that Cat is now pregnant with eight eggs, which turn into tumours the moment they try to remove them via a Caesarean. Forced to see his babies to term naturally, Cat dons a pink tracksuit and gets used to his bump. The moment comes when Cat goes into labour, giving birth in a paddling pool to eight morphing aliens that look like fake teeth, a rubber duck, a toy yacht and even an inflatable ball. When the lads decide to flush the morphlings into deep space, the babies transform into adorably-cute animals; Cat offers to do the deed himself, but then runs off with his kids instead. Realising that the polymoprhs sense emotions, Rimmer volunteers Lister to have his removed using the personality machine, so Lister can become undetectable; however, Lister turns into a stone-cold assassin, who promptly shoots the Cat as soon as they find him – thankfully the Cat was just a morphling in disguise, and Lister callously disposes of another Cat copy. Lister, Rimmer and Kryten soon suspect each other of being polymorphs, which seems likely when they find another two sets of equally-suspicious Listers, Rimmers and Krytens holding each other at gunpoint. After the nine lads take the lift to the medibay, Cat appears and shoots all the fakes; when asked how he know which were the morphlings, he explains that a mother always knows her kids… Some time later, Lister talks to Cat about being a virgin; after insisting that sex with the polymorph still counted, Cat sends Lister away - so he can spend time with the two lady cats hidden in his bed. Cat knows he is dreaming, but is happy to be ‘piped’ again before he wakes up…


Chris Barrie (Arnold J. Rimmer), Craig Charles (Dave Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Bentley Kalu (Mercanoid), Dominique Moore (Ankita), Daniel Barker (Natural History Presenter [Voice]), Mariah Yarjah (Cat Lady 1), Shanice Stewart-Jones (Cat Lady 2)

Directed by Doug Naylor

Produced by Richard Naylor and Kerry Waddell
Executive producers Simon Lupton, Henry Normal and Doug Naylor
Co-produced by Baby Cow Productions and Grant Naylon Productions for Dave / UKTV

TX: (Dave)
27th October 2016 @ 9:00 pm

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat and Kryten

*Although this epsiode was scheduled for television broadcast on the 27th October 2016, it was released a week earlier for 'on demand' audiences via the UKTV Play platform